No Going Back
by KeepSaying
Summary: Jane wakes up after her night with Clem. Very short one- shot. (Please don't hate on Jane. Or me.)


**A/N** : This is short and painful but I had an hour before my lecture started and I couldn't get this out of my head. I felt there's more to the story than what the showed us on the show for Jane to go packing for Nepal. I'm uncertain about this and would really appreciate your feedback (first time writing in present tense as well) Please don't hate, though :) Enjoy.

Jane comes to her senses very slowly. There's something different about this morning and she needs a moment to realize what it is.

She's not alone.

For the first time in over a year she feels her body tugged into a tight embrace and momentary bliss takes over her body. She feels the stubble on her shoulder and hears the deep breathing in her ear, telling her that he is still asleep. She had always loved the scratching of his stubble and it tickles her but she's too happy to let go of that feeling just yet.

Instead she reaches for the strong hand that rests on her stomach and takes it gently in hers. She smiles when she opens her eyes slowly, about to press a kiss to the rough skin, and suddenly she feels herself fall. Her mind is swirling, trying to wrap itself around her situation – trying to figure out who this man beside her is.

These are not Kurt's hands.

Jane lets them go abruptly and feels her breathing accelerate, her heart is beating so loudly she thinks it might jump out of her chest.

The smell is wrong, too, she realizes now. She would know his smell anywhere and this is not it. She feels tears trickling down her cheek because the man beside her – who has her tugged into his arms safely – is not her husband and for one single happy moment she had thought it was.

She has to get out of here.

In a swift motion she pulls back the covers and pulls away from Clem, who's still seemingly asleep, and hurriedly gathers her clothes from next to the hotel bed where she had dropped them the night before and all but runs to the bathroom.

 _Breathe_ , she tells herself but somehow her body won't listen to her commands anymore.

Looking into the mirror, only in her bra and panties, she sees herself tremble. It's her face and her body but at the same time it's not. She can't look at it and so she closes her eyes in the lunatic hope of waking up from a bad dream when she opens them again.

She won't, she knows that.

She knows that because her heart hurts way too much for it all to have been a dream. Sure, she's had bad dreams before, she knows nightmares. But this… this is worse. It feels as if her heart has been ripped out of her chest all over again. She has had that feeling once before and even thinking of the moment when she had pulled her wedding ring off her fingers leaves her hyperventilating.

Her vision swims when she opens her eyes again and she can barely swallow down the sob that tries to escape her throat.

What had she done?

Managing to regain some sort of composure she finishes getting dressed, feeling numb all over her body with every move she makes. Once she's done she washes her face with water so cold it should hurt her, but she doesn't feel it. She wishes she could feel something else than the loss and hopelessness that have taken her heart hostage.

"You're leaving?"

She has just opened the door when Clem voice startles her. Looking up, she sees him leaning against the headboard, watching her intently.

"I have to go" she replies, not recognizing her voice. But then again, she doesn't even recognize herself. She has to get out of here.

Her hand is already on the door knob when his voice stops her, he still hasn't moved. "Do you regret it?"

She stills, not moving back or forward, just standing there with her hand reaching for her way out.

"I… I don't know" she swallows and closes her eyes, letting her hand rest on the knob but not moving it. It felt good to not be alone for the first time since she's been on the run. She felt save in his arms but she thought he was someone else and she couldn't take that. She couldn't take thinking about Kurt when he was further out of her reach than ever.

Finally she turns partly, looking him in the eyes "This is not fair to you" she tells him with as much strength as she can muster up "I will never be truly here with you. My heart isn't mine to give anymore." And as cheesy as it sounds she knows that it's the truth. Her heart hadn't been hers for a long time and she doubts she would ever get it back. It was still in Colorado in a home she had just made sure she could never return to.

"Goodbye" she whispers, pulling the door open and stepping out of the room, leaving him behind her together with any hope of ever returning home.

 _You're allowed to be happy, you know?_

One sentence plays on repeat the whole way out of the hotel. Two voices, blurring together until she can't tell them apart anymore and her mind is still reeling. They were wrong, she knows that for certain now.

She isn't allowed to be happy and after what happened last night she can never go back home.

Strapping her backpack on securely Jane steps out of the hotel and looks around. She has nowhere to turn to, she just wants to get as far away from everything as possible.

There is no hope left for her.


End file.
